Lady Mondegreen
by looneylizzie
Summary: "So, you basically wander around other people's portraits and listen in on people's conversations for your own entertainment?" "We're portraits. What else is there to do?"
**A/N: Hello! I wrote this for a challenge on HPFF called the Logophile's Challenge, in which I had to incorporate the word _Mondegreen_ into my story. Hope you guys enjoy it!**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.**

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 **mon·de·green**

 _noun_

 _a word or phrase that is misinterpreted as another word or phrase, usually with an amusing result; A series of words that result from the mishearing or misinterpretation of a statement or song lyric_

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Lia Jordan stormed from the Great Hall, teeth and fists clenched tightly in order to keep at least a little bit of control over her emotions.

She was fuming...no, more than fuming. There wasn't even a word to describe the anger that she felt at this moment. James Potter had managed to work her up, _again_ , and it took all of her concentration just to walk in a straight line. She wanted nothing more than to run up to that selfish, unbelievable, thoughtless, sexist dirtbag and punch the smirk right off his pretty little face.

Not that she thought his face was pretty. It was just an expression.

Her dark curly hair had become a wild mess in her agitation, puffing up in a way that resembled a lion's mane. Her chocolate colored skin was covered in goosebumps, which always made an appearance when she was angry. Normally her dark brown eyes were warm, usually twinkled with a bit of mischievousness, but they had now gone nearly black and narrowed in anger, and were flitting around as if daring something - anything, to stop her.

She stormed through the corridors, eventually losing track of where she was going, only faintly aware of the fact that she was muttering to herself as she walked...or, stomped.

"Stupid...worthless...stuck-up...little git...punch...face!" She growled, just barely stopping herself before she crashed into a wall. She took a look around, discovering that she had no idea where she was.

"Great, now I'm lost." Lia groaned. She wasn't known for having the greatest sense of direction, and, despite six years of living in Hogwarts Castle, she still got lost at least once a week.

"You're a boss? Honestly, I'm never going to understand what you kids say these days." came a voice from behind Lia, causing her to jump and momentarily forget her anger.

Lia whirled around to see a portrait hanging on the wall behind her, hidden in a little alcove between two old and faded tapestries. The woman in the portrait was stunning, and Lia had never used that word to describe anybody before.

The woman was leaning against her frame, her arms crossed as she looked down on Lia with an amused smile dancing across her lips. She was tall and lean, almost gangly, with flawless dark caramel skin, except for a light splatter of freckles splashed over her cheeks. Her dark curly hair fell to her waist, and reminded Lia of her own hair on the rare occasion in which it had been tamed.

Her most intriguing feature was her light green eyes. They sparkled merrily at Lia and made her feel warm and comfortable, and Lia inexplicably felt like she could trust this woman with her deepest secrets.

Her light green dress looked as if it had been in style 500 years ago, and matched her eyes beautifully. Her portrait had a series of grassy hills in the background, tall strands of grass swaying gently in the non-existent breeze.

Lia's eyes narrowed at the stranger. "I didn't say I was a boss, I said I was lost." She said, slightly louder and clearer so the portrait could understand.

"Lost huh? That makes more sense." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment, "although, I'm quite sure that I've heard one or two of your classmates use such odd vernacular before."

Lia snorted. She didn't doubt that, and was even willing to bet a few Galleons on the odds that James Potter was one of those students.

"So," the portrait continued, "how did you get lost? It's not like it's exactly easy to get here you know."

"I wasn't paying attention. I have a lot on my mind." Lia said. "Speaking of which, where are we?"

"Fifth Floor. Directly above the library, but it's nearly impossible to get here unless you get on a staircase on the Third Floor that only moves to this landing once an hour. Or you take the secret passage." She smirked at Lia. "So what exactly do you have on your mind?"

Lia chose to ignore her question. "Interesting! Where's the secret passage? Where's it go?"

"Can't tell you. If I did, it wouldn't be a secret. Although, tell me what's on your mind and I might give you a hint." She said, giving Lia an exaggerated wink.

Lia huffed. "Why do you want to know?"

She shrugged. "I don't get many visitors. I'm bored."

"Well…" Lia looked at the woman blankly. "What's your name?"

"Lady Mondegreen." She said, rolling her eyes. "But you can call me Lady M. No need to tell me yours, Lia Jordan."

Lia was taken aback. "How did you know my name?"

Lady M waved her hand lightly. "I may not get many visitors, but I hear quite a lot of things, like you for example, and remember them quite well. Stop avoiding the question."

"How do you hear these things? What have you heard about me?" Lia asked, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge Lady M's attempts to draw the conversation back on her and her thoughts.

Lady M sighed and gave Lia an annoyed look. "I'm a portrait darling. We can visit each other. Well, others can visit me. We're all terrible gossips you know. Well, most of us are. There are some who have been portraits for so long they've stopped caring. And there are others who aren't exactly ideal eavesdroppers, like the trolls. They like to scare couples that hide behind tapestries for a quick snog session, but can't understand a word of what anybody says."

She giggled to herself. "You my dear, I heard about you years ago. You've caused quite a ruckus around this school on more than one occasion. I know the Fat Lady really well, and she _hates_ you."

"Thank you! I'll take that as a compliment." Lia smiled as she puffed up her chest proudly.

Lady M shook her head amusedly at this reaction from Lia, from what she'd heard about this girl, she would expect nothing else. She continued on, "But seriously, you students never seem to notice us. It's amazing how much we hear because you are all too obsessed with your own problems to remember that we portraits can hear and spread your secrets faster than you can say _'silencio'_."

"So, you basically wander around other people's portraits and listen in on people's conversations for your own entertainment? That's messed up." Lia responded haughtily.

"We're portraits. What else **is** there to do?" Lady M asked, looking pointedly at Lia.

With a shrug of her shoulders, Lia conceded. "Touchè."

Lady M flashed her a brilliant grin before narrowing her eyes at Lia. "You distracted me. I almost forgot that you didn't answer my question. Don't do that. I know a thing or two about you, Lia Jordan. Wouldn't want anybody to know about those butterflies stashed under your bed, now would you?"

Lia paled for a moment, before flushing a bright red. "I don't have any butterflies under my bed! Where did you hear that?" she hollered, panic rising in her voice. She glanced around quickly, hoping there wasn't anyone in the vicinity who could have overheard her talking about her greatest fear.

Lady M was startled by Lia's sudden outburst, and took a step back from within her portrait. Not that it would do any good. "Well...I remember there being an incident a few years back when a certain...what was his name? Uh...James Potter? Yes, James Potter, discovered them under your bed? Isn't that right?" she asked hesitantly.

The growling which filled the corridor could hardly be distinguished from that of a dog as it echoed throughout the corridors. Lady M had heard about Lia's quick temper before, but this was the first time she'd seen it in full force, and now wondered if it was possible to make an escape without further endangering herself.

"James. Potter. Pinned. Dead. Butterflies. _TO._ My. Bed." She spat, fists clenched at her side as she shook with rage.

"Oh my." Lady M said, extremely embarrassed. "I could have sworn I heard that you had been hiding them under your bed. I guess gossip isn't as reliable as I thought!" she supplied awkwardly, hoping to appease Lia's rage with a little bit of humour.

Her attempts were futile though, as Lia took several deep breaths, pacing back and forth in front of the portrait as she tried to calm herself down. This is what her friends always told her to do. After all, it wouldn't be a good idea to destroy one of Hogwarts' precious portraits just because it angered her.

After several minutes, Lady M finally dared to speak again. "So, what was on your mind that brought you here in the first place?" She tried to keep her tone light and teasing, aiming to distract Lia so that she didn't flare up again.

"What's it to you?" Lia shot back, clearly still annoyed.

"Well, you're upset. I'm a good listener, I promise. I can even keep a secret."

Lia shot her a look. "Now, don't look at me like that! I can! I keep several secrets. Including the one about the secret passageway." Lady M said earnestly, trying to convince Lia to talk.

She was too curious to let an opportunity like this walk away, a chance to finally get some information first hand, instead of through those silly dancing ladies on the first floor.

Of course, if she had to keep a secret because Lia asked her to, she could still just play a game of 'I know something you don't know!', which would bother them to no end. Lady M didn't think of herself as a bad person. Just a bored one, desperate for _something new_ to talk about.

Lia scoffed. "Yeah, okay. You being able to keep a secret is about as likely as convincing a centaur to wear bunny slippers."

Lady M's laughter echoed through the corridors as Lia's yells had earlier. "I'd almost be offended if that wasn't so hilarious." She said, wiping tears from her eyes.

Lia cracked a small smile. Lady M's laughs were contagious. She had this…magical _effect_ on people. A magic that you couldn't learn in any of Hogwarts' classrooms. In fact, it couldn't be taught at all. Some people just had that quality, and Lia felt a pang of jealousy, and her small smile quickly returned to its grumpy expression.

Suddenly, Lia realized that she had never met a portrait like Lady M before. She was much more vivacious, more curious, more _**alive**_. What made her so different than the others?

"When you were alive, _who_ were you?" Lia questioned, her eyes scanning the rest of Lady M's portrait for a clue, only to find nothing but grass.

"I was a Lady. A Lady in the service of a Queen, a wonderful Queen, a true angel. I never actually died. I was a muggle, I never knew about magic until I became a portrait. Her Majesty was a Witch. I didn't know. None of us did. Her ladies, her maids, her servants, even the other nobles didn't know. We were traveling around the country so she could see her subjects, and one night we were attacked. In less than two minutes all of the other ladies were dead, killed while trying to protect their Mistress. I was the last one standing between her and the killers."

Lady M took a shuddering breath. Retelling the story was incredibly difficult, even after all of these years.

"I don't remember exactly what happened, and I'm not sure who did it, but I found out later that somehow I'd been put into the painting hanging in Her Majesty's room. It could have been Her Majesty, but I never found out. Later, after she found me, she brought me here, to Hogwarts. She refused to explain to me exactly what happened. She told me that it was safer for me not to know. But she couldn't leave me in the muggle world, I was a moving portrait after all, so she placed me in the care of the school, hoping that one day the brilliant wizarding minds that occupied this school would eventually free me."

She sighed, her face somber. "Nobody did. I was forgotten within 50 years. I was placed here, in a tiny corner of the castle and left all alone. I'm a living person, and therefore cannot leave this portrait. I'm trapped. Others can visit me though, which is how I know about you."

Lia felt her heart fill with pity. It was one thing to be a portrait, an echo of a once living person, but to be a living person trapped _inside_ a portrait...Lia couldn't imagine how horrible that would be. Hundreds of years, waiting and forgotten in a world that was never your own in the first place.

"I've lived for hundreds of years," Lady M continued, "but I'm positive there will come a day in which I will die inside this portrait. I can feel myself aging. I don't even know if I'd survive if I managed to get out. It's terrifying, so instead, I busy myself with nosing in the business of others."

Suddenly, she brightened, visibly trying to shake off the negative feelings that had settled over their conversation. "So, since I've told you my secrets, you must now tell me yours." She grinned mischievously at Lia.

"You tricked me!" Lia exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at her, torn between frustration and overwhelming pity. Lia quickly noted that Lady M wasn't someone who wanted to be pitied, and wisely chose to refrain from asking more, as she had so many questions.

Lady M held her hands up in surrender. "I did no such thing. I merely told you the truth. Now I fully expect you to return the favor. No getting out of it now. I know you Gryffindors, you can't just walk away from this. You're too honorable."

"Fine." Lia hissed, refusing to acknowledge that she was right. Lia knew she wouldn't be able to walk away without feeling extremely guilty if she didn't share something with Lady M too.

She took a deep breath as she turned her thoughts back to what had happened just a little while earlier, struggling to keep her emotions in check.

"It all has to do with James Potter. It always does. He goes out of his way to bother me, to pick on me, to tease me, to mock me. He treats me like I'm his own personal form of entertainment. It's like he goes out of his way to push my buttons just to get a rise out of me. My friends tell me to just ignore him, to keep control, and eventually he'll get bored and stop, but it doesn't work. I just _can't_ keep my anger in check, _especially_ when it comes to him."

Lady M listened intently, her face full of concern. She'd seen this a hundred times before. Every few decades, one student or another would find her, and keep coming back. With each friend she made, she learned a little bit more about human nature, about growing up, and about the magical world.

Magical or Muggle, it didn't matter, all teenagers seemed to go through some of the same problems. Ten years from now, Lia would inevitably recall this and think of it as a petty issue in comparison to her more recent problems. Lady M had made the same realizations as time wore on, and she'd discovered that trivializing a teenager's struggles did nothing to help. If it was important to them, and they were willing to share it with her, then she'd find a way to make it important to her too.

"What sort of things does he do?"

Lia sighed. "It's a long list. There's the biggest one, the butterflies one. Even he admitted he crossed a line there. He had detentions twice a week every week for the entirety of Third and Fourth years for that." She paused. "Although I had detentions for most of Third year because of my retaliation, but that's irrelevant."

"Evil plant? What did you do with an evil plant?" Lady M asked, confused.

" _Irrelevant_." Lia clarified.

"Oh. Makes sense… sort of. Keep going!" Lady M encouraged.

"Well, today, for example, I arrived at breakfast relatively early - earlier than James, anyway - and well, you should know, I love my food. Especially breakfast. I've taught all of my friends to leave me alone with my breakfast before talking to me about _anything_ if they didn't want me to cut off all of their limbs." Lia began to pace, staring off into space as she walked around in circles.

"Lambs? You cut off other people's lambs? Is that some sort of slang? Or do you steal their lamb? Do people even own lambs these days? Although, I don't know how that would stop them from talking to you over breakfast. Unless they're obsessed with their lamb." Lady M interrupted again.

" _Limbs!_ " Lia yelled. "Limbs! Honestly! Can't you hear me? Do you have some sort of hearing problem?"

"Yes! I can! I've got 20/20 hearing!*" Lady M said indignantly.

Lia snorted at this, poorly attempting to hide her amusement at Lady M's statement.

"And I'm so _sorry_ for misinterpreting your mumbling!" Lady M continued.

"I'm not mumbling." Lia mumbled.

"Uh uh. Sure." Lady M drawled.

Lia just rolled her eyes. "Anyway, James plopped down in front of me and began talking with that ever jabbering mouth of his about complete and utter nonsense. Apparently he'd asked me a question, but I had been ignoring him while I was eating, and so he decided to get my attention by stealing my stuff."

"Your stuff." Lady M stated, hardly daring to believe it. ' _This is about a petty argument over property? How childish is that? Then again, entire wars have been fought over petty property debates before.'_ Lady M thought.

"Yes! My stuff! Everyone knows not to touch my stuff! Everyone!" Lia exclaimed in disbelief, unaware of Lady's skepticism and confusion. "At first I thought it was just a figment of my imagination, that I'd just forgotten it until I realized it was _James_ , so of course it couldn't be."

"What color was it?" Lady M asked.

Lia looked confused. "What color was what?"

"Your infatuation. What color was it?" Lady M responded, completely serious. "Do you have some sort of spell that reveals the object of your infatuation? Does the color represent something?"

"WHAT?" Lia flushed. "My infatuation! I'm not infatuated with anything!" she paused, "Except maybe food."

Lady M groaned. "No. You said that James stealing your stuff was just a 'pigment of your infatuation'. What color was your infatuation? Can infatuation even have a color?"

"I said, ' _figment of my imagination'_ , not 'pigment of my infatuation'! You're not even listening to me! You said you were a good listener!" Lia exclaimed, halfway between anger and amusement.

Lady M's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh! That makes more sense. Okay, you thought someone stealing your stuff was a figment of your imagination, then you realized it was James, so it must've been real. Please continue." Lady M gestured to Lia.

"So, James just plopped down and began taking my food off of my plate. He was rambling about something, I think he was trying to figure out what to get his Dad for Christmas. He asks everyone for ideas every year. I mean, what do you get for a man who has everything?" Lia was rambling, and Lady M was struggling to keep up with the ever-changing mind and the speedy ramblings of the teenage girl in front of her.

"Wait, back to James. He got your attention by stealing your stuff, right?" Lia nodded in response. "What stuff? What did he take?"

"He just reached over and took my glass of pumpkin juice and some sausages off of my plate! It wasn't my fault that he came down late to breakfast and missed all of the good stuff!" She huffed, a slight pout on her face as she ranted.

"No!" Lady M looked appalled.

This only encouraged Lia further. "I know, right?! He was totally in the wrong! So, of course I took the juice and sausages back, and then yelled at him for daring to do such a thing!"

Lady M nodded encouragingly. "Good for you! You totally did the right thing!"

Lia beamed. "That's what I thought too! But I know that my friends are going to tell me that I overreacted later, and that I should go apologize to him, but its _him_ who should apologize to _me._ "

"Absolutely." Lady M agreed.

"Of course, this started a huge argument, because James refuses to admit that he's wrong about anything, and just argued that he wasn't going to eat the sausages. He apparently took them just to get my attention, because he needed my help figuring out his Christmas present for his Dad. I told him I didn't care what he got his Dad for Christmas, and why he even bothered me about it was beyond me." She stopped, taking a deep breath, once again forcing herself to regain control of her emotions.

"Then he had the audacity to argue that he came to me because he thought we were friends. _Friends!_ Who was he kidding? Maybe we've managed to avoid some arguments in the last few months, and yeah, maybe I've been flirting with him a little bit, but that doesn't make us _friends!_ I'm just trying to get him to leave me alone!"

"You're getting him to leave you alone by flirting with him? I don't see how that works." Lady M stated, still slightly confused. Sometimes she couldn't quite figure out what Lia was trying to say.

"That's a long story. I don't want to go into it. The point is that, yes, we haven't been at each others throats every day for a few weeks, but that doesn't make us _friends_." Lia hissed. "Then, he asked me if I could help him anyway, friends or not, since he was at his wits' end."

"Did you help him?" Lady M whispered, enraptured with Lia's story.

"Of course not! He took my pumpkin juice and sausages!" Lia replied incredulously.

"Good!" Lady M replied approvingly. "I don't think he's someone you should spend too much time with."

"Oh trust me, I avoid spending as much time with him as I can."

"I mean, someone who takes bumpkin Jews as hostages just can't be a good person. Haven't you heard about what happened to the last group of people who did something like that?" Lady M's face was full of contempt and outrage as she spoke.

There was a moment of silence. Lia stared at Lady M blankly, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. She was speechless, a rare occurrence for the quick witted, silver tongued girl that Lia was.

"' _Bumpkin Jews as Hostages?'"_ Lia managed to say before completely losing it. She began to laugh loudly, almost maniacally, becoming quieter as she struggled to breathe. Before long she was on her knees, gasping for air, one hand clutching her stomach while the other gripped the wall next to her, preventing her from completely falling over in hysterics.

Lady M was, at first, too focused on her feelings on the subject matter to care about Lia's reaction. Then she laughed awkwardly, not understanding what Lia found so funny but pretending that she did. But, as Lia's peals of laughter grew, Lady M found herself becoming angry, because Lia wasn't laughing at what Lady M _said_. She was laughing _at_ Lady M _because_ of what she'd said.

"What?" She asked, calling out over Lia's laughter. "What's so funny? I don't understand! What did I do?"

It took several minutes for Lia to get her breathing under control while Lady M continued to plead for an explanation.

"You...ha ha...you thought I said...heehee...that I said 'bumpkin Jews as Hostages'! Haha! That's just brilliant!" Lia managed to squeak out between giggles, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Oh. Did you say something else? I don't understand. You said that James took your bumpkin Jews as hostages…" at this Lia roared with laughter again, "...but you took them back. I mean, I don't know how you'd manage to have bumpkin Jews, I don't even know what 'bumpkin' means, but I was a little more focused on the 'hostages' part of that phrase."

When she regained the use of her voice, she spoke again. "I said that he took my _pumpkin juice and sausages_." Lia enunciated clearly, so that Lady M could understand her.

Lady M's face was blank as she took in this new information. Then, the puzzle pieces finally snapped together.

"Wow." She said.

"I know." Lia giggled.

"I mean…" Lady M began to giggle as well. "How did I manage to mix that up? The two phrases aren't even close!"

"But you can't deny that it's hilarious." Lia pointed out, breaking out into full laughter again.

Lady M's laugh rang louder. "I can't. I really can't."

They laughed until they couldn't anymore, both clutching their stomachs and managing to regain control of their breathing before looking at each other, only to restart the process.

Finally, Lady M spoke up. "I'm sorry to say, but although James took your pumpkin juice and sausages, I really don't think that makes him a bad person. At least, not in comparison with the alternative." She said as she smiled down a Lia.

Lia sighed. "I guess you're right. At least he hasn't taken any Jews hostage. It makes him seem a little less horrible than I'd painted him as in my head."

"If I may, you should go talk to him. You may not be friends, but I think now even you can agree that you overreacted just a bit? He came to you for help, and I think it would be unfair to deny him that, especially after earlier." Lady M said, giving Lia a knowing look. "Plus, our time is coming to a close. Unless you want to be stuck up here for another hour, I suggest you start heading for the staircase. It'll arrive any minute and doesn't stay for long.

Lia nodded. "You're right. But I will see you again Lady M. I promise you that."

She turned as if to go, before turning back again, as a thought struck her.

"How do I help him?" Lia asked.

"Help him with what?" Lady M replied.

"His problem. Every year he asks everyone around him for help getting his Dad a Christmas present. And every year his presents get a little more pathetic. As the son of the Boy Who Lived, I think James feels like he should at least be capable of getting his Dad a decent present."

"His Dad is Harry Potter? Wow, I can see how that would be difficult. Why doesn't he just ask his Dad?" Lady M asked thoughtfully.

"Everyone does. Every year Harry Potter gets asked what he wants for Christmas, and every year he responds with, 'Peace on Earth'." Lia snorted. "He asks for the impossible."

"But that's not impossible! That's rather simple!" Lady M exclaimed.

Lia brightened. "Really? What would you do?"

"I'd give him a box full of soil, with a layer of peas on top. How is that difficult? Peas on earth seems like a relatively simple concept." Lady M said, sounding as if she was resisting adding ' _Well... Duh!'_ to her explanation.

Lia looked at Lady M as if she was the most amazing thing she'd ever seen.

"You are a genius Lady M. I've got to go, but I'll be back. You still have to tell me where that secret passageway is." She turned to go.

"Why am I a genius?" Lady M called after her.

"Because of your hearing!" Lia called back, running for the staircase.


End file.
